Feedback in the context of psychological safety

We all know feedback is essential. We also know it can be incredibly difficult.

Even with the best of intentions, giving feedback can feel like walking through a minefield-especially in organisations that value psychological safety. No one wants to come across as harsh, controlling, or (heaven forbid) a bully. So we try to soften the edges, build emotional awareness, and be more "honest" about how we feel. Somewhere between radical candour and treading on eggshells, there is a path that anyone and everyone can take. But I have to confess, it took a while to find it.

Years ago, my company went through some training designed to help us get it ‘right’. For feeding back on the more challenging aspects, we were encouraged to use the format: "When you do X, it makes me feel Y." The idea was that people couldn't argue with your feelings, and by surfacing the emotional impact of their behaviour, they'd understand its effects more clearly.

In principle, it made a lot of sense. In practice... it was a bit of a disaster.

When honesty becomes blame

What actually happened was this: people felt blamed. Or confused. Or even angry. The very conversations that were meant to build understanding ended up eroding it.

You had well-intentioned people trying to be emotionally honest-yet the recipients often walked away feeling as if they'd just been handed someone else's emotional burden and asked to fix it. The message, however gently phrased, was often heard as: "You made me feel bad. You need to do something about it."

As a result, some people became hesitant to act. Others became resentful. Leaders felt caught in the middle. And although there was greater awareness of interpersonal dynamics, there was also a lot more tension and second-guessing. This is where the Vibrant Mind understanding offers a very different approach.

The shift: from emotional dumping to clean feedback

One of the core realisations within the Vibrant Mind is this: How I feel is not caused by you. It's not caused by your words, your tone, your lateness to the meeting, or even your perceived rudeness.

Instead, it's caused by the predictive nature of my own mind-by the moment-to-moment stories and meanings it's constructing, often without me realising. This doesn't mean behaviour doesn't matter. It does. Immensely. Some actions are harmful. Some patterns do need to be addressed directly and firmly-whether they're unconscious microaggressions or more overt breaches of respect and trust.

The Vibrant Mind doesn't let anyone off the hook and neither does it tolerate victim-blaming. Instead, it helps us separate our own reactive discomfort from legitimate patterns that need confronting so that we can be clear, courageous, and effective when we do speak up.

Once we stop blaming others (and ourselves) for our emotional state, feedback becomes something entirely different. It becomes a gift. Not a discharge.

Emotional transference vs emotional ownership

There's a term I use for what often happens in traditional feedback culture: pain-dumping. Without realising it, many of us have been ‘trained' to either:

- Keep emotional energy in (and pay the price physically or psychologically), or

- Get it out - often by unconsciously discharging it onto the nearest available person. I sometimes think of it like lightning. When the emotional charge in the air gets too strong, it needs somewhere to ground. But if we're unaware of what's happening inside us, that energy gets discharged externally - usually onto another human being, under the banner of "feedback."

The inside-out understanding changes this. It allows that emotional energy to move through us - without harming the people around us. It allows us to check in before we speak. To see what's ours. To notice what's theirs. And to choose the moment and the message from a place of clarity, not pressure.

It enables a new kind of feedback conversation - Let's take two examples.

1. When you're clear and grounded

You've noticed something in a colleague's behaviour or communication that you think could be helpful for them to see. Instead of wrapping it in emotion or making it about how you feel, you can say: "Would it be helpful if I shared something I noticed? I think it might support your development."

You're not asking them to change to make you feel better. You're offering something they can choose to reflect on, use, or set aside. That's respectful. That's clean. That's kind candour.

2. When you're caught in emotion

Let's say you are feeling triggered - frustrated, disrespected, let down-and you're aware that it's hard to find the gift in the moment. Instead of discharging that pain under the guise of feedback, you can say:

"You can probably tell I'm getting frustrated here, and I'm sorry about that. It's coming from the pressure I'm feeling in this situation, and the way this is playing out isn't quite how I hoped. I'm not sure what the learning is here for either of us yet, but can we talk it through?"

This is honest without being destructive. It doesn't offload. It invites.

Why this matters more than ever

We live in a time where feedback is either being avoided (because of fear), or delivered poorly (because of emotional urgency). Both options are damaging - to relationships, to trust, and to the growth of individuals and organisations.

Psychological safety isn't about staying silent in the face of harm. It's about having the clarity and confidence to say what needs to be said, without blame, chaos, or emotional transference.

Feedback, in this light, becomes a vital tool for learning and for increasing accountability.

When you understand where your experience is really coming from, feedback becomes simpler. Kinder. More generous. It's no longer about "how you made me feel." It's about how and what we might change - together.

That's the kind of candour we need more of. And it starts with a clear, Vibrant, mind.

If you’d like to learn more about The Vibrant Mind approach and explore what it can do for you and your teams, please get in touch.